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Surviving a Crowded Bar November 15th, 2011 Posted by Paul Bass
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Let’s be honest, you suck at navigating through a crowded bar. Always one step forward and seven shoves back. You spill your drink or one is spilled on you and you’ve been walking around all night with a toilet paper streamer glued to your heel. And forget about drowning those blues with a frosty beverage, the bar is so packed you look like a kid trying not to get picked last in gym class. Face it, you need help and I’m just the seasoned bar vet to give it to you.
Let’s start with the basics. When walking through a tight crowd make sure your drink is held in front of you and at eye level so others know to yield to you. Granted it’s not the Olympic torch but a full drink demands respect and most people, unless they’re a P. Diddy groupie, would rather not get bathed in alcohol.

Always keep your eyes peeled for a bar back or bouncer heading in a similar direction. Get behind them! The bar back is like an ambulance and a bouncer like the police…people clear the way for them. It’s also nice to get behind someone extremely overweight, sure it’s a slow ride but it’s in a first class seat all the way.

When forced to follow someone else’s lead through a crowd, pray it’s a good one. Some people chit chat, yield too much, and move like human turtles (Hurtles) so you better abandon ship. Theses Hurtles are like tractors on a highway and must be passed immediately.

Also be weary of potential landmines such as a group of girls having a stranger take a picture of them. Don’t linger around until they’re done because this is about to turn into a Victoria’s Secret modeling shoot. The camera guy never gets it right either. The more aggressive girl in the group will snatch the camera and critique the picture immediately and make the poor schmuck take it again.

Once you finally make your way to the bar you now have to deal with a sea of alcoholic hyenas. First, get to know a bartender at your spot really well (i.e. tip nicely) and always order the same drink. So they recognize you and with a simple head nod will make your drink and hand it over the heads of the tired, poor, huddled masses.

If you don’t know the bartender and there isn’t enough space to wedge your body in…wedge an arm in. This grants you that space once it’s available. It’s the equivalent of urinating on your territory without all the worry of choke holds, hand cuffs and mug shots later.

You now have a drink and its time to do battle with the person you were just five minutes ago. Most people standing in a crowd will skinny up so less people bump into them. Bad idea. A tight crowd will fill in space like poisonous gas (in your case…some bachelorette choking on her penis straw). Widen your legs so you don’t get knocked over and extend your elbows out to absorb most of the impact (careful…her tiara is sharp).

Hope my advice makes your night easier and feel free to share some tips of your own.

Enjoy the nightlife. Cheers.
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Paul Bass
Staff Writer, NightlifeVirginia.com1 Posts
Paul is a local comedian and graduate of the VCU Brandcenter where he studied copywriting. He has performed at the Richmond Funny Bone and hosted shows at Lucky Buddha, Current and many other venues in the Richmond area.